Making the Impossible Not Happen is Easier than You Think

New Year’s Resolutions: To Fail Big You Have to Dream Even Bigger!

How far into the New Year do you think it will be before you start forgetting about those optimistic resolutions: a month, a couple of days, or even less?  Most of us start crushing them into dust before the January 1^st hangover begins to wane.  Countless resolutions are probably killed off and buried in a shallow grave before passing out after the party.  Let’s face it, most of us haven’t exactly been an inspiration in past years.  Maybe we need to reread The Little Engine that Could? Can I get the video on my iPod?  

If you continually fail in keeping your resolutions you shouldn’t worry; you’re a member of the world’s biggest club. Welcome! The smart play is not to make any in the first place.  Some people will say that you lack goals but they’re probably sipping on hair-of-the-dog Bloody Marys during the Rose Bowl game after swearing off booze for the year only hours earlier.  People continue making promises to themselves every year because, just like with bad Christmas gifts, it’s the thought that counts.

Instead of making a lot of small, stupid resolutions that you’ll forget faster than a fat chick’s phone number, you should make incredibly ambitious goals.  If you don’t lose the five pounds you were going to shed you’ll look like a total loser, but no one will fault you for not winning the Nobel Prize in physics this year. Better luck next time!  Not quitting smoking is just pathetic—not to mention life-threatening—but did anyone really think you would make the U.S. ski team? You were born in Florida, after all.

Resolutions are about 99% bullshit anyway so you may as well make yours 99% more interesting.  By making grand resolutions people will respect you—at least for a while, and that’s better than never. Last year I told people that my resolution was to finally swim the English Channel.  It’s cool when people come up to me at a party and ask, “So, I hear you’re going to swim the Channel. Bravo, dude.”  OK, that only happens when I pay one of my friends to say it when I’m talking to someone I’m trying to impress, but still. My answer is always, “I’ve tried a couple of times but the conditions weren’t right. My trainer is a little too cautious.”  No one will ever ask you, “So, I hear you’re trying to stop biting your nails this year.”