My Invention Ideas

Acme Hangover Detector

Besides being a crappy writer, a half-assed cook, a mediocre athlete, and a fantastic figure skater I'm also something of an inventor. Granted, most of my ideas never get past the "scribbled on a cocktail napkin" phase but this is only because I put so many cocktails on the napkins that they disintegrate. Back to the drawing board for me!

Remote Control Retriever

We all know that people are too lazy and spoiled to actually walk over to the TV to change channels. The problem is that sometimes the remote is out of your reach and you have to walk a few steps to pick it up off the coffee table. The Remote Control Retrieve® instantly puts the remote into the palm of your hand so that you don’t have to spill the 70 oz. soda you have precariously balanced on your gut. I don’t have the details worked out yet but I’m thinking about having a chip surgically implanted in the body that allows you to change channels, record, and vote for American Idol without moving an inch.

Cigarette Butt Detector

This device will allow you to scan your can of beer at a big party to let you know if someone used it for an ashtray while you were gone taking a leak. I can’t count how many times I’ve taken a big gulp of Bud mixed with someone’s finished Marlboro.  One a side note, many people feel that cigarette ash improves the taste of most light beers.

Microwave Toast

For on-the-go people who don’t have time to make real toast. Simply microwave the frozen slices for 26 seconds on high.  Finally, someone has saved us from the drudgery of using a toaster.

Hangover Detector

This device monitors your blood-alcohol in real-time. When you have reached the point where you will feel the effects of tonight’s bash tomorrow (probably during your after-work happy hour), the device will set off a 120 decibel air raid siren next to your ear to remind you that you are entering dangerous territory. Of course there is a simple on/off switch for those who choose to ignore the warning or a “snooze alarm” for people who don’t mind a little hangover.

Fake iPhone Case

Put your budget, piece-of-shit phone inside this case to make everyone think you are on the cutting edge of cell phone technology. Think of it as a wig for your phone.