By trying to scientifically prove the existence of Christmas, we think we can coerce retailers into once again greeting shoppers with “Merry Christmas” instead of the politically correct “Happy Holidays.”
We felt that we could provide more conclusive evidence than the 50,000 letters addressed to Santa Claus that vindicated Saint Nick in Miracle on 34th Street. We began with a list of Christmas truisms and exposed them to the cruel scrutiny of scientific investigation.
Does the holiday season promote peace on earth and goodwill?
Sure, why the hell not, just as long as you aren’t standing between me and the sale items at Wal-Mart. I, myself, am not normally a violent man, but they had Hanes men’s briefs on sale, three for $7. The National Guard should have fired off warning shots to direct the crowd. I was just protecting what was mine.
Can reindeer fly?
The popular ballads telling of the exploits of Santa’s sleigh drivers are all the proof we need, but we wanted to establish this fact scientifically. We traveled to the Lapland region of Finland to find a herd of reindeer. We transported 15 of the sturdiest examples of the breed to our testing center at the Space Needle in Seattle.
Working closely with a team of aerodynamic engineers from Boeing Aircraft, we joyfully launched the reindeer, one by one, from the top of this Seattle icon. Results indicated that reindeer cannot fly. However, as a side note, reindeer meat is quite flavorful and tender, although the tenderness may have been the result of dropping the animals from 605 feet in the air.
Can Santa Claus slide down a chimney?
For our next experiment, we enlisted the help of 65-year-old Armando Escovedo. We lowered the retired Seattle fireman on top of a chimney and waited to see how long it would take him to make it into the living room.
Although paramedics pronounced Mr. Escovedo dead at the scene after spending nearly three hours extracting him from his sooty grave, we feel that our test subject may have had other health issues that contributed to his demise and, thus, to the failure of our experiment.
We are having some difficulty in finding another (willing) old, gray-haired and overweight volunteer for further investigation into this matter.
Can Santa’s elves make toys for every child on the planet?
Although they refused to allow us to call them elves, we employed a group of midgets to work under harsh arctic conditions. The result was a rather resounding, “Yes!” We proved, without a doubt, that by working a small group of “elves” 20 hours a day, seven days a week, our team was able to make a hell of a lot of toys.
Granted, the toys were kind of crappy, and thanks to an Amnesty International report, we may be facing a human rights violation tribunal in The Hague, but there can be no denying that it is possible to make a prodigious amount of toys using height-challenged workers.
The trick is to keep them, how shall we say, motivated. Techniques that we found to be successful were constant threats of physical violence, holding workers’ family members hostage and always supplying an open bar at company functions (you might think that little people don’t drink much but you would be very wrong).
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